The Real HouseWitches of Beverly Hills: There’s a new Wiccan in town.

Since we last visited the Real HouseWitches of Beverly Hills, things have changed. Some not for the better….

Some witches have lost their teeth.

Some witches have lost their teeth.

Some find happiness with a baby daddy: Ken or Kingsley?

Others found happiness with a baby daddy. (Ken or Kingsley?)

Most significantly, there’s a new HouseWitch in town:

Good C-Word.

Love women. Gagged and bound.

Love women. Gagged and bound.

It’s true. C-Word never tires of playing with beautiful women…

Classy, eh?

Classy, eh?

…or checking out their junk.

Want to see  my Dungeon?

Want to see my Dungeon?

And so…

Into the Lady Pond the party goes.

Into the Lady Pond they go…

Things were going well for Good C-Word. Her place in the Beverly Hills Coven was guaranteed…but for one problem. There’s always a problem, isn’t there?

I'm always a problem. It's my thing.

I’m always a problem. It’s my thing.

Hairy is an accomplished witch from the powerful Coven of Riches–and not to be confused with the younger Hairier, formerly of the Coven of Trumps and also new to the BH Covenant.

Hairier, seen here wearing her legendary Vajayjay, accompanied by her Warlock renowned for his giant arm.

Hairier, seen here wearing her legendary Vajayjay, accompanied by a Warlock renowned for his enormous arm.

You see, Hairy, guided by her famous Stone of Gossip, had uncovered C-Word’s deepest secret: her hidden Mark of Dark Magic!

What a lovely...

Is that a Star of…

Mark of Dark Magic 2

G A S P!!!!!

G A S P!!!!!

S I G H…. Such is life.

And so C, as her familiars call her, knew something had to be done with Hairy–not Hairier.

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With this in mind, C found herself invited by Hairy and the Coven Supreme, Queenie, to a very special event to honor the Real Warlocks of Beverly Hills. It was at this party, C decided, she would make her move!

Good evening. I have nothing to say.

Good evening. I have nothing to say.

As the party began, all seemed well.

We are so screwed.

We are so screwed.

The food was divine, the drink intoxicating, the company incomparable.

Then C saw her opening.

Queenie, slap that pole-dancing slag beside you into next month!

Queenie, slap that pole-dancing slag beside you into next month!

I'll karate your hair down to your pubes!

I’ll karate your hair down to your pubes!

What chess game is this?

What chess game is this?

You want a piece of me? I own this town!

You want a piece of me? I own this town!

As the guests watched this unexpected turn of events….

I hope this won’t interfere with our threesome later.

…the witches went at each other as only they could.

I have a nice killer bee potion here. Have a sting!

I dreamed you can’t be trusted so I brought a nice killer bee potion. Have a sting!

You have no sting here. Be gone!

You have no sting here. Be gone!

Lisa gets hit 1 C

What’s that? Watch it, girls! My hair!

Don't you DARE bully me!

Don’t you DARE bully me!

You've never seeeeen me bully....

You’ve never seeeeen me bully….

Bring it, Witch!!!!

Bring it, Witch!!!!

And so Hairy did.

I call upon Our Master, the Greatest Warlock of Reality TV...ANDY OF THE COHEN, BANISH C-WORD FROM THIS COVEN FOREVER!!!

I call upon Our Master, the Greatest Warlock of Reality TV…ANDY OF THE COHEN, BANISH C-WORD FROM THIS COVEN FOREVER!!!

HOW DARE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER POLE-DANCE AGAIN!

HOW DARE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER DO THE SPLITS AGAIN!

What’s that?! Checkmate? Are you sure?

It’s not nice to piss off the Supreme….

With all the Power given to me by the Gay Gods of LA, I COMMAND....

With all the Power given to me by the Gay Gods of LA, I COMMAND….

ENOUGH!!!!

ENOUGH!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Legend has it that when Real HouseWitches battle, the Gay Gods of LA are amused but show no mercy to the Fallen.

Will Good C-Word  survive Hairy’s powerful spell? 

Will Hairy ever do the splits again?

Will Queenie the Supreme ever get her hair un-frizzed?

It’s a cliffhanger! Until next time….

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Previously on The Real Housewitches of Beverly Hills

Image

A Journey to Farewells

In Fall of 2012 I took a long journey to a Funeral Party. Yep, that’s what I said. I traveled 600 miles, from Georgia to Virginia and back, to attend a pre-death celebration someone I never met was throwing for herself, complete with tables full of her favorite food and drink. She’s a foodie, so it was all to die for. I got the invite because I “know” her from her professional work, but before this our only contact was through the virtual world–it’s the 21st century, what can I say?

[You can click on picks to enlarge, twice for extra detail.]

You had to be there....

You had to be there….

It turned out to be a fabulous party, with appropriate “Day of the Dead” decor–she works south of the border a lot. While I did not take my primary camera, not wanting to be that obnoxious person, I did end up being that obnoxious person with my smart phone camera. It wasn’t up to the ambient party lights in an outdoor setting, but you get the idea with her Dracula-like coffin propped in the corner of the tent.

They found me behind the tent with an empty bottle of eggnog.

They found me behind the tent with an empty bottle of eggnog.

On my way back I stopped at the charming historical tourist town of Williamsburg, home of the College of William & Mary, founded in 1693. I ventured onto the edges of the college grounds and wandered around the town for a couple of hours before continuing on my journey home.

Lined with shops in this historic town, Market Street is closed to traffic.

Lined with shops in this historic town, Merchants Square is closed to traffic.

These tables were soon filled as Sunday lunch approached.

These tables were soon filled as Sunday lunch approached.

Before the crowds showed up....

Before the crowds showed up….

A lovely Fall Sunday to hang out....

A lovely Fall Sunday to hang out….

I was going to exclude the following pictures so I wouldn’t bore  too much, but then remembered my friend Mary is an architect. So I decided to include them in case she might find them interesting. They are very old buildings, the kind that creak and smell with age. They have been meticulously restored and maintained, so it is a walk back in time if you have a little imagination.

I loved this building.

One of the largest on the Square, this building sits on a corner.

There were blocks of downtown businesses, but those focused around the Square were most charming.

There were blocks of downtown businesses, but those focused around the Square were most charming.

This was early before these had opened.

This was early before these shops had opened.

There was lots of very old brick sidewalk.

Very old brick sidewalks….

I love the steeple on this building.

I love the steeple on this building.

Lordy, can you imagine how jumpy I felt roaming around all that Old Money going back to King William and Queen Mary? Aside from the requisite tourist traps with historical themed junk to sell, these shops were rich, baby.

This teddy bear was wearing fine wool that cost more than my entire wardrobe.

This teddy bear was wearing fine wool that cost more than my entire wardrobe.

Speaking of the King and Queen, the College of William and Mary is just across the street from Merchants Square.

The College of William and Mary; 1693

The College of William and Mary; 1693

I walked over to take a few photos, and thus began my own goodbye to another friend: my Kodak camera struggled to take the shots, while an old buzzard with a huge camera bag and tripod gave me a hard time for lingering too long in his target area. I am not making this up!

As the son of a bitch hollered at me for occupying a public space–I was there 15 minutes tops–my Kodak stalled and froze over and over. It had never done this before, so I kept trying to work out the electronic problem to take the photos. Finally it rallied and I finished, leaving as slowly as I could walk by Screwface while he scowled at me. Some people….

But I got my shots.

Who expects no people in this shot? Cranky old prune.

Who expects no people in this shot? Cranky old prune.

Lord Botetount...and his canon?

Lord Botetourt…and his canon?

Why I persisted: hubs wasn't on this trip and he loves this stuff.

Why I persisted: hubs wasn’t on this trip and he loves this stuff.

And more historic buildings for Mary–the architect, not the Queen:

100_5636

Across from the statue and canon….

The Campus Center

The Campus Center

Finally I went to shop and purchase lunch at The Cheese Shop, which my Not-Yet-Departed foodie friend had insisted I visit. I bought some great cheeses and a coffee, plus a grilled cheese sandwich to eat on the road as I had a some hours to drive before dark.

The Cheese Shop is in the middle of this picture.

The Cheese Shop is behind the tree in the middle of this picture.

100_5653

It was quite packed with lunch in full swing.

Choosing was a nightmare: this, no that, and this, oh, that looks good....

Choosing was a nightmare: this, no that, and this, oh, that looks good….

Did I mention they give cheese and wine samples? I didn’t drink, of course, but just FYI if you have a designated driver.

100_5657

I love this shop!

I love this shop!

Dear Kodak, working hard to the last....

With Kodak, working hard to the last….

Alas, the time came to leave.

Once I was on the highway, I bit into that grilled cheese and lord have mercy, you have NO IDEA how good it was. I couldn’t believe it: it was a CHEESE SANDWICH. The cheese was so exquisite, the bread so fresh, I’d drive back tomorrow just for that if I could talk hubs into it. I’ve tried….

The next day I managed to take some final photos of family I stopped to visit in North Carolina, and then Kodak closed its shutter for the last time.

Silly, I know, but it was this fairly cheap point-and-shoot camera that introduced me to digital photography and taught me so much, which I have shared here.

From beautiful ocean sunrises to cranky old farts, it was a good ride. 

[The header is a night photo of Myrtle Beach, S. C., taken with my Kodak from a balcony in Surfside 7 miles away.]

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Thanks for indulging me. I hope you found something to enjoy. I have more pics coming with my new Canon DSLR, which I have already introduced with my Space Thingies blog. Until next time, ciao! 

S.C. Yard Dogs: Gators, Baby!

 

Since I have been hopelessly tied up with various things in the last year, blogging hasn’t been a priority. For one thing, there are so many great blogs out there, I’d rather read them.

But then I remember that I have so many pictures to share!

I was reminded of this when some of my Tweeps were posting pics of snakes and how much they love them. (Kidding!) Also, I’ve run into a lot of gator stuff this week, as well.

Since I have the King of the Crocs in my collection (I know gators and crocs are different, so tell it to the zoo), I’m just going to jump in and watch y’all squirm!

This crocodile, UTAN, and his reptile buddies live in a low country swamp at a Myrtle Beach zoo known as Alligator Adventures. For some reason I can’t remember–I’m not, in fact, a reptile-loving kind of gal–we visited this tourist trap in September of 2012.

As you can see, I went to work. Hey, I’m not going to be taking reptile pics too often, I hope–like hell.

So enjoy…or something…dear friends. (And look for a dedication to Real Old Housewife near the end–she will hate me for life after she sees it, but mischief is in my Trash DNA.)

[Remember  you can click on the pics to enlarge them. Double click for extra detail on most pics.]
Don't pet the 'gators.

Don’t pet the ‘gators.

100_5122 gator orgy 2

No wading.

Don't mess with these kids.

Don’t mess with these kids.

Heart be still: this dude is LEGEND.

Heart be still: this dude is LEGEND.

Makes your heart warm, doesn't it?

Makes your heart warm, doesn’t it?

What do you think these fools get paid to do this?

What do you think these fools get paid to do this?

To review....

To review….

Luggage, anyone?

Luggage, anyone?

Positively prehistoric.

Positively prehistoric.

American Gators at play.

American Gators at play.

Two rare albino gators were in this pool.

Two rare albino gators were in this pool.

Mini-dinosaur

Mini-dinosaur

This is my favorite pose.

This is my favorite pose.

Caution: the following photos are not for the faint of heart. If you have a snake phobia, go no further. You’ve been warned.

Snuggly Burmese Python

Snuggly Burmese Python

I didn’t get the names of all these snakes. Cause all I really wanted to do was leave. Sorry. (Not really.)

Big Yellow Snake

Big Yellow Snake

Hope I never see this guy in the wild.

Hope I never see this guy in the wild.

This one can breath underwater.

This one can breath underwater. Or something.

Finally, a familiar killer I never, ever want to see up close in North America:

Get thee behind me, Snake!

Get thee behind me, Diamond Back Rattler!

One last snake, just for Real Old Housewife, who gave me the Flip camera I took this with: it was lunchtime for the Black Mamba.

That was fun, right? [Eek]

There were more fun critters at the park; it’s not all cold blood:

Does he know he's surrounded by gators?

Does Big Bird know he’s surrounded by gators?

Loved this one.

Loved this one.

Count Batula

Count Batula

Hate to see these lovely parrots in a cage, though.

Hate to see these lovely parrots in a cage, though.

A gator kiss goodbye

A gator kiss goodbye

Hope you enjoyed seeing some scary things we don’t commonly encounter in our modern ‘scapes–thank god. 

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For anyone who has followed my blog, join me in saying farewell to my Kodak camera which expired on another journey I took not long after this beach trip. These will be some of the last pictures taken with my Zwhatever model point-and-shoot. I must say I have missed her while learning how to use my new Canon Rebel DSLR. But the photos will be better as I go, I hope.

I’ll be sifting through one more Kodak batch and then this year’s beach photos to see if there’s anything of interest. Besides the Space Thingies and the Comet and the sink hole…I might find something….

Thanks for dropping by!

Space Thingies

I can’t figure out how to figure out what these are.

Using my new Canon Rebel t4i with a new zoom lens, I took some long shots of a gorgeous yellow and red quarter moon setting in the West when I was at a South Carolina beach early this month. Never saw them until I got home. I was looking at the huge picture files and started noticing tiny little lights around–but no stars.

Here’s one of the original photos. Notice the teensie weenie little bright spot in the upper right section.

Look closer....click on the picture to enlarge.

Look closer….click on the picture to enlarge.

So I’m thinking, What is that? Terrified I’d screwed up my lens already, I get to blowing up these dots and…voila!

The greatly enlarged image from the above photo is the upper right one in the composite below. The others are from other photos I made as large as I could to try to figure out what I’d captured.

UFO composite 3

Any ideas? Satellites? Moon orbiter? Space Station?

UFOs?

Oh, and if I disappear…you might try to find me at Area 51….

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Update: I have confirmed these objects are in fact Lord Xenu come back to Earth to battle Tom Cruise!

Okay, I made that up. But the mighty power of Google has informed me that my fabulous new camera in fact photographed a satellite…and I wonder what it was up to that night.

Maybe Cannon should put a warning label on its DSLR cameras:

WARNING: IMAGES MAY SHOCK AND CONFUSE YOU. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

The Real HouseWitches of Beverly Hills, pt. 2: Once Upon a Time

Disclaimer: I never! Did not! No way! I made it ALL up! Any resemblance to the living or dead–not my fault! So don’t get your feelies hurt. And get a sense of humor–we’re all fools and it makes life easier to laugh at ourselves. 

If you missed part 1 of this fairy tale, you may want to start here.

[Some pictures will enlarge if you click on them.]

~*~*~*~

As night faded into morning, the vain and haughty Wicked Witch of Beverly Hills looked with delight upon what she had done.

Move over Skinnygirl! ZAP! has arrived!

Move over Skinnygirl! ZAP! has arrived!

Hoof’s plan for revenge was exquisite. Having drunk the enchanted brew, one by one the guests began to transmogrify.

Pic 22 Yola Marrisa Ad Cam overlay transformation

“Is it hot in here?” “I don’t feel well.”

"Maybe I should lie down."

“Maybe I should lie down.”

Pic 23 white statue people overlay

“Hello, tall, dark, and handsome!”

"Does this stain?"

“Does this stain?”

Don't ask....

Don’t ask….

But of all her delicious creations, Hoof’s favorite was Ex-Man. His was a score she had long wanted to settle.

"You may want to lay off the sunscreen."

“You may want to lay off the sunscreen.”

“Why, Hoof, why? I waxed my balls for you!”

"So much for waxing...."

“So much for waxing….”

In the early morning hours, Hoof finally had Ex-Man right where she wanted him.

Pic 20 Ex Man transforming 6 final

“We might want to rethink that skin care line.”

When dawn broke, Hoof had done just what she set out to do: the plot to destroy her enemies was so successful it was leaked to a tabloid and orders for ZAP! went through the roof. 

"It was good for me."

“It was good for me. Was it good for you?”

~*~*~*~

But that is not the end of the story.

The next day as her newly morphed servants were polishing her hooves, Hoof realized that her greatest nemesis was missing!

"Everyone knows that under all that magic Hoof is only 2% real."

“Everyone knows that under all that magic Hoof is only 2% real.”

Hoof’s reputation for dirty tricks had preceded her. So the wise Coven of the Good Witch of Beverly Hills had held their own private party in Las Vegas, escaping the Wicked Witch’s grasp once again.

Pic 28 Hoof cries with Coven The End 2

“But I was the better witch!”

The moral of the story is…this story has no morals. 

The End

The Real HouseWitches of Beverly Hills: Once Upon a Time

DISCLAIMER: This work is purely fictional. If you can’t figure that out, maybe you shouldn’t be driving or handling cutlery. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental. Plus this is satire–look it up.

[Click on pictures to enlarge.]

~*~*~*~

Once upon a time there was a beautiful and terrible Wicked Witch of Beverly Hills named Hoof.

Ad with hooves 1

Hoof was especially proud of her lovely shoe collection.

She was feared far and wide for her dark powers of magical transformation. She could change her enemies into strange creatures who would do her evil bidding.

Pic 1

A famous designer dared speak against her tinsel hair and soon lost his.

One day the Wicked Witch grew very angry when she learned that the Good Witch of Beverly Hills had called Hoof’s hooves cute and fat.

She said WHAT?!

My hooves are not cute and fat! They’re lovely and graceful!

So enraged was Hoof that she vowed a revenge no one would ever forget.

And she knew just what to do.

Pic 2 B

They’ll wish they were cute and fat!

Enlisting the aid of her devoted servant Bad Cook Beanie…

who hated the Good Witch with a bitter spite,

I hate the Good Witch with a bitter spite!

 …Hoof distilled a brew with all the dark powers she possessed.

Double, double  toil and trouble

Double, double toil and trouble

When she was ready, Hoof sent out invitations all over town for a grand party to launch her new beverage line, ZAP!

The trap was set.

~*~*~*~

The night of the event at Hoof’s Lair arrived. 

Pic 6 Hoof Lair

Excited by the spectacular presentation…

Is that a tall, dark man I see?!

Is that a tall, dark man I see?!

…the guests unknowingly entered the trap.

Pic 5 Brew presented to guests

Time to spring the ZAP!

Hoof’s Coven had come to help with her plans.

Friends don't put spells on friends.

Friends don’t put spells on friends.

So they set to work, enticing the partygoers to taste the new drink.

Ex-Man was powerless to resist Hoof's charms.

Ex-Man was powerless to resist Hoof’s charms.

More ZAP! anyone?

More ZAP! anyone?

As the Witching Hour approached, the revelry reached a fever pitch. The clock began to chime Midnight.  Suddenly the Coven were dancing around and around Hoof, who was stomping her hooves and chanting spells no one had ever heard before. 

Love me, love my shoes!Never, ever insult my hooves!

Love me, love my shoes!
Never, ever insult my hooves!

The crowd froze…too late! 

The transformation had begun!

The transformation had begun!

~*~*~*~

Continued in Part Two.

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Don’t miss the exciting conclusion! Really! I mean it! Even better than Part 1! You don’t want to know how it ends?! Of course you do. So go ahead and click on the link below: you’ll be glad you did.

The Real HouseWitches of Beverly Hills: Once Upon a Time, Part 2

"Why, Hoof, why?! I waxed my balls for you!"

“Why, Hoof, why?! I waxed my balls for you!”

RHOBH: GAME ON!

Hey there, Bravo fans! Sorry I haven’t blogged in a while, but the Muse has struck so…here I am! 

And what do I choose to write about? Ha! Kill me now.

I haven’t written much about the Housewives here. There’s so much blogging on them already, I can’t keep up. I’d rather tweak their purty pictures, anyhow. They gotta’ hate that, right? 

Then I saw Season 3 Episodes 17 and 18 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, with Kyle’s shop opening and Adrienne’s and Lisa’s parties. I got all indignant: if Bravo is going THERE, game on! 

I don’t want to be mean, but we all are in need of a little character-building burn at times, aren’t we? Consider this my good deed for the year.  

So…put on your big girl pants.

18 WEEKS?!

We’re up to Episode EIGHTEEN. Whew! I’m so ready for Season 3 to be OVAH.  It’s not like they’re actually going to ever tell us the truth about what Brandi said about Adrienne, which has been run into the ground ad nauseam. 

Somehow this is just wrong. How many times can we hear a repetitive argument and not get bored, especially one that’s based on gossip we can’t evaluate because it’s bleeped out?

Yet we see the Hoofer Gang slagging Brandi off again and again over the “sanctified secret reveal”…except NOT. The irony of these women looking down their nose jobs at her is lost on no one. 

And here’s why: 

Let’s review

The entire second and third seasons we’ve seen repeated attacks on Brandi: she wears provocative clothing, is risqué and low-class? Oh please. I have never in all my long life seen anything more vulgar than Kyle’s on-camera Brazilian wax with her daughter watching. Is that something the general public should see? When your behavior embarrasses me, you have hit bottom…so to speak.

The Richards sisters seem to forget their own histories: substance abuse, addiction, cussing, bullying a woman on crutches, public arguments…and stop with the splits, already!

[Click on photos to enlarge.]

Sisters fight Finale S 3

And what a charmer Adrienne has turned out to be. She’s in some demented relationship with her Mad Chef Bernie. Who can explain the bizarre shenanigans of that employee on Facebook and with the tabloids? Is this Ad’s familiar, curled up on her lap ready to do her cat-fighting for a few fish bones?  

Adrienne and Mad Chef Bernie

What have we seen lately behind the mask of Camille? A social-climbing, ex-soft porn star who married her money and won’t mind inserting a knife in any back. How delish is it that she gets credit for  pinning “M C” Faye as Morally Corrupt, but look at them now: all kissy faced. 

Camille and Faye smooch

Good timing on the announcement Camille won’t be back–Yay! She doesn’t need the money and there’s little fan love coming her way…again.

We’re all still trying to figure out what Bravo was thinking bringing MC Faye back. I think she’s just another beard for Adrienne, Kim, and Kyle, brought in to keep the Bravo drama going when those backstabbers don’t want to own their treachery on camera. 

So how is Brandi beneath any of these women? Trashy? Sorry to disagree, but I know trash and the real trash in this group is so bad Brandi looks like the Queen of England. That’s why she and Lisa are so popular: they don’t BS us every time they open their mouths.

Plus they’re the fun ones

Casa Villa massage party

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